Olympics

Have had an absolutely fabulous weekend,  I went to Weymouth with Kayleigh and her school choir on Friday to watch them sing in the cultural olympiad.  It was gorgeous and the weather was fabulous.  Then I watched the opening ceremony on the tv which was amazing, felt really proud to be a Brit.  Saturday morning Rob and I headed off to Burnham on Sea to spend the rest of the weekend with some friends who have a caravan, we camped out in their awning.  Ended up falling in love with a camper van, out of our league though if we are moving house, and if we don't move then there is nowhere to park it, catch 22.  Listening to my friend I ended up being a bit sad listening to all the amazing trips he has made, and thinking how unlikely it is that I will ever do that.  Knowing where this horrible thing is and never really having heard of anyone who has ever survived a long time with this where it has gone, and not being offered any ops to remove it.  Really need to stop turning positives into negatives.  The Aussies are here at the weekend and that is something to really look forward to. xxx

A trip away and some sad news

I had the most fantastic weekend away with my husband and son at my cousin's new flat, sadly my daughter couldn't come she was away singing with her old school choir.
I ate lots and walked miles.  Great start to the summer hols, even saw John Bishop in Portsmouth filming 'Who do you think you are?'
Got to see a couple of my cousins and had an amazing time, came home on Sunday, sadly, but had a great lunch with some great friends on Monday, an afternoon out with my mum on Tuesday and lunch with my daughter and another friend on Wednesday.  While the weather is good work is progressing with Millie the mini.  This is just as well as my daughter is about to start a full time job and this means my son and I won't have access to her car, and I will have to get up early to take hubby to work if I want to escape the children in our street and their horrible noisy scooters, which they don't use properly, they just bang them on the pavement outside my house, so no more rest for me this holiday.  Hubby still says no to me having a car.
Today I had an email from my chemo buddy, and after lots of good news for her, this week she had some bad news, they have found some cancer back in her liver and have told her that she is likely to only have 12-18 months to live, back in January she was told 18-24 then following treatment and an op they thought they had got it all.  The last scan showed up this shadow, and it looks like she will now be referred to Bristol, hope they sort it again.  This is why I hate scan times, you think all is going along swimmingly, then they hit you with something new.  Even when you think you are winning, or at least breaking even, they ruin it all for you, I think I would rather not know and just get on with my life.  Fed up with having the wind taken out of our sails.

Race for life and other things

I can't believe that this time last year when I did my third race for life I thought I was doing it for other people, little did I know that I was about to venture on a trip of hormone treatment, scans and chemotherapy.  I have always found reading back signs emotional, but nothing could have prepared me for how difficult it was going to be reading backsigns as a fighter.  I found my own name on six backsigns including my own.  We had lots of laughs but we also had a few tears.  How many more race for life events will I be healthy enough to take part in?  Will we be able to take part next year to celebrate remission (as unfortunately the chance of an all clear, the doctors have said, is not mine).  I have raised £275 for cancer research from race for life if anyone would still like to add to my total here is the link.  http://www.raceforlifesponsorme.org/angelagerrard153  Every little helps, and I really do want to be part of the cure.  I really want to defy the doctors what they have told me.

Managed to complete the race for life in just under an hour, but to be fair it was probably at least 7 minutes before we passed the start line.  Oh well just three more days of school with the children then an inset.  Then a weekend in pompey with my gorgeous cousin, and have now found out my equally gorgeous cousin is coming over from Australia in August, am getting very excited, could 2012 be my year after all, just controlling this stupid disease and most of my dreams might be able to come true? xx

Nervous

I can't believe how nervous I am about my next appointment, especially as it is six weeks away yet.  I think the fact that when I can't sleep at night the words that resound in my head are 'the chemo didn't get as much as we wanted' rather than 'there is nothing life threatening at the moment' ... what does that even mean?  It doesn't mean it's gone or even that I am beating it, they tell me that won't happen, so what does it mean.  The fact that I am getting on with things and that I am looking well means that I think some people don't realise what we are going through, but obviously there are things going on in their lives which are more important than what is happening in ours.  I really couldn't get through this without Rob and the kids, Mum (who drives me nuts at times, but only because she loves me so much), my dear friends Tracey, Pat and Helen, and our family friends, Mandy, Rog and Lin, and Pete and Barb, and my gorgeous cousin Lisa.  They are the people who are in contact and there for us all regularly, even if it is just a weekly text, or a message on facebook.  I know they all love us.  My new friend Geraldine who is going through a very similar situation helps no end too.  I don't feel so isolated, I can tell her things I can't tell anyone else and she understands, she doesn't judge me, she empathises.  The next appointment is at a really tricky time, just before I go back to work full time, hopefully, (part time has been good but we can't afford for me to drop hours) and back to college too, it is going to be a stressfull time.  I am dreading what they might say at the hospital, dreading it messing up all my plans again, just like it did at that same time last year.  It will also be around the anniversary of my dad passing and the anniversary of when all this hell began, maybe that is why I am so nervous already, I wish I could wipe out the last 12 months, I hate the churning in my stomach all the time.  I am staying as positive as I can, but some times it is tricky, thank goodness for my friends.

Thank goodness Kakes is so good about her car, Rob finally looked into some car quotes for me and Mattie to share a car but for Mattie to be on any apart from Kakes' car the only other car he could afford to insure is the mini and although Rob has had her running, she still doesn't have working brakes or clutch, but every time he gets out on her it starts to rain.  We are trying to organise the house going on the market, the estate agent really likes our house but we are being let down by the EPC company they were supposed to have been in touch within 24 hours, that was nearly a week ago, I have phoned them so now we wait again.  I have found a few houses I want to see, and now just want to get on with it, I want some quality time in our new house, before things change.  Desperately need to move to a house with a garage before Millie seizes and rots completely and Mattie loses all his money.  Rob is away for a few days on a course, and I am missing him, but he will be home tomorrow night.