Next treatment?

Had my bloods at the surgery this morning, like I do every week ready for my weekly chemo, this week is 7/18, and tomorrow is pre assessment clinic with the consultant.  I casually said to the nurse who does my blood "I must ask the consultant what comes next after this chemo, I assume there will be another holding hormone treatment" to which she replied "I don't know about that, but you should definitely find out what is next."  Now I had not even considered that there might not be anything to come, ever since I started this hideous roller coaster ride I have always been having treatment of some sort.  I have always said I will try not to worry all the time they are throwing treatment at me.  Now I am worrying about asking the consultant, but I do need to know what comes next.  Need to try and put it out of my head, but it is a seriously scary thought.

Hard Times

Am finding things a bit difficult at the moment, and I need to say it somewhere, though not out loud.  People think I am daft, but they aren't living in my head.  I have always been heartbroken by the fact that I never knew any of my grandparents.  I envied the other kids at school being picked up by theirs.  Now the more I think about it when I can't sleep at night, the more I think that I am also going to be the other end of that too, as if any of the suggested prognosis are true, I won't meet my grandchildren either.  The nurse said average 2-5 years, it will be two years this Summer, and five years isn't long enough either.  I know why and I understand why, but I just want to be there see them, not be a box of memories and photos, especially as following my move, I have decided that there aren't enough photos of me and my own children.  On top of that two of my friends have recently been diagnosed and had mastectomies, hopefully they will now be cancer free and go on to live long healthy lives, one of them has already had the privilege of watching her grandchildren reach school age and beyond, everyone seems to be talking babies and grandchildren. They are  both older than me, and older than I will be in three years time when I reach the final suggested mile stone. 

I have also with very heavy heart decided to stop at the foundation degree and not to do the top up year, this has left me without the motivation to complete the 6000 word assignment due in mid May.  I am just 400 words in and struggling over that too.  I just want the chance to be cancer free and old.  I keep trying to visualise it but I just can't see it at the moment.