The appointment we never wanted to have

Well yesterday we went for the most recent scan result, and we haven't really stopped crying since.  I need to speak to a few more people properly before I tell you exactly how it went.  Suffice to say we have come home with liquid morphine and them wishing to refer us to a whole lot more people.  Hubby has decided not to go to work today, he has decided that I need him here.  And without me telling him the whole story 19 year old son has done the same, I think he has guessed from the little I did say, and the amount of crying that has gone on.  Ok so I am ready to tell you now, they were ready to tell me how long I had left when we went on Tuesday.  I declined, as I believe that if you accept what they tell you it becomes a self full-filling prophecy, my GP and my daughter agree, I still need to be around for my hubby, daughter and son.  They aren't getting a great deal of support, especially hubby, my friends are being more supportive to him than the people who should be.   I saw my GP since and he was given a bit more of the story than I was, they were suggesting to him that I might be able to have some palliative chemo, to help with pain and things.  They also want to refer me to palliative care in the community for when IV morphine is required, they have now prescribed me liquid morphine.  Anyway we went back on Friday and thankfully she has found a treatment that might still be able to stop it progressing as quickly, and I am still hoping that we can gain control.   She has rushed me in to Yeovil hospital for the first appointment as Musgrove can't fit me in for several weeks, and she says she needs to get me started asap, if we have any hope of this having a chance. I have to keep trying to be optimistic, though it is getting more difficult.  I still have too many things to do to stop actively fighting this thing and only fight the pain.  Though the pain is getting difficult too.

A need for a hobby

My beautiful daughter has been trying to teach me crochet, and has given me a copy of a book she has two of, one from me, and one from her mother in law, this means if I am stuck I can tell her which page I am stuck on.  I have also ordered a new supply of jewellery making things, I lost mine in the move last year, and still haven't found the box they are stashed in.  No doubt they will appear now!  A lot of the bits I have ordered are to make bits to sell at my friend, and fellow fighter's, Mad Hatter's Tea Party in June, she is charging £5 for a table, keep your profits, my daughter and I have decided that we are going to give our profits back to the charity, as it is so close to us.  It is of course Cancer Research.  The more money we can raise the more chance I have of control, or hopefully, and even better, that all elusive remission.  I am not feeling so good at the moment, I have lots of new pains, had a scan last week and I really am not looking forward to the results tomorrow.  I have to discuss with her how we can control the pain if we continue with this treatment, or if not where do we go from here.  Difficult discussion.  Hopefully hubby will be able to come with me.  We will see, usually his work is very good, and to be honest I am not really feeling up to the drive.  I am very weepy at the moment too.  Not good, I pointed out to my lovely 19 year old son the other day that he is very lucky to have 3 mummies (obviously me, his girlfriend's mum, and his best friend since he was 4 years old' mum), with tears in his eyes he reminded me that he had seen two of us in tears over the weekend, not a good time for us or him.  In the words of D-Ream "Things can only get better" well we can always hope xx

overdoing things? and lots of pain ... are they connected

The last few weeks I have been trying do all the things I like to do while I have been feeling a bit better.  I have completed an assignment for uni, I have been out with my beautiful daughter to a vintage festival and a bit of retail therapy, and dinner with all the family to Nandos.  Had a lovely day out with my hubby to the seaside, for his birthday, which entailed rather a lot of walking and lunch with a very dear friend.  I have started to take the dog a bit further for her walks now the weather is a bit better.  I have noticed that I am falling asleep more on the sofa in the afternoon though.  I had hoped to try to go back to work tomorrow, but instead I am going to be ringing the doctor to put it back again.  I have a trip to London booked in three weeks, and am really worried now about how I will cope, when I booked it I wasn't at all bothered.  Hubby and I are going in a group of about 12 people and I am worried that I will slow them all down.  Last night I was kept awake by pain in my left side, every time I take a deep breath it feels like I am being stabbed.  I am used to the pain in my right around my liver, and that is more or less controlled now, but this new pain and the pain and bloating around my stomach is really starting to get me down.  Hubby asked where we were going to take the mg today with the roof down to make the most of the sun, but I am not even sure I can even get in and out of her today.  Well consultant on Tuesday, and I am guessing it will be another treatment change, this frightens me, how many are left, how much stronger can the painkillers get before we go to morphine, morphine spells end of life care to me.  I am not ready for that yet, though I am starting to understand people who chose to end their fight because they can't cope with the pain, I am not there yet, and don't want to be for a long while yet, but I am at least beginning to understand, and I didn't ever think I would.