Nervous

I can't believe how nervous I am about my next appointment, especially as it is six weeks away yet.  I think the fact that when I can't sleep at night the words that resound in my head are 'the chemo didn't get as much as we wanted' rather than 'there is nothing life threatening at the moment' ... what does that even mean?  It doesn't mean it's gone or even that I am beating it, they tell me that won't happen, so what does it mean.  The fact that I am getting on with things and that I am looking well means that I think some people don't realise what we are going through, but obviously there are things going on in their lives which are more important than what is happening in ours.  I really couldn't get through this without Rob and the kids, Mum (who drives me nuts at times, but only because she loves me so much), my dear friends Tracey, Pat and Helen, and our family friends, Mandy, Rog and Lin, and Pete and Barb, and my gorgeous cousin Lisa.  They are the people who are in contact and there for us all regularly, even if it is just a weekly text, or a message on facebook.  I know they all love us.  My new friend Geraldine who is going through a very similar situation helps no end too.  I don't feel so isolated, I can tell her things I can't tell anyone else and she understands, she doesn't judge me, she empathises.  The next appointment is at a really tricky time, just before I go back to work full time, hopefully, (part time has been good but we can't afford for me to drop hours) and back to college too, it is going to be a stressfull time.  I am dreading what they might say at the hospital, dreading it messing up all my plans again, just like it did at that same time last year.  It will also be around the anniversary of my dad passing and the anniversary of when all this hell began, maybe that is why I am so nervous already, I wish I could wipe out the last 12 months, I hate the churning in my stomach all the time.  I am staying as positive as I can, but some times it is tricky, thank goodness for my friends.