Feeling down

Oh dear another negative blog, this is becoming too much of a habit.  But it is somewhere to vent how I am feeling and at the moment I am feeling like the bottom of the pile.  I had been looking forward to the bank holiday weekend taking my mind off the impending consultants appointment. (Keep positive everyone says, I haven't really had the experiences to support that being a suitable idea.)  My cousin who was coming up for an Elvis evening and coming to see my fave local band has been offered overtime.  So I am now feeling very much neglected.  I have enjoyed two weekends in Portsmouth and two lunches with my amazing friends and that is pretty much the whole holiday.  I have an amazing weekend in London to look forward to, and maybe I shouldn't expect too much of the summer holidays, but Geraldine my C buddy is the only person who seems to understand the importance of time and experiences and how short a time we have on this planet.  I hate going to the consultants, I know that one day they will tell me what they have told Geraldine that,  "this is how much time you have" every time I go I have this sense of impending doom, that this is the time they will say it.  It terrifies me I am not ashamed to say.  I was hoping that the bank holiday weekend was going to be so much fun and so busy that I would be able to put it to the back of my mind.  Mattie has been invited to go to Reading festival that weekend now and my plans have been brushed to one side,  it seems like I have spent most of the holidays sat on here, on face book just waiting for that appointment.  London will give me a couple of busy days, though at the back of my mind will be the sad thought that it will probably be the last time I meet up with the Aussies.  Sad rant over, need to pull my socks up and put my smile back on my face even though I really don't feel it.

Up an down

Well this was the week of the holidays that I was looking forward to most, following a fabulous weekend.  We were supposed to being having what would probably be our last family holiday as a four, but Rob didn't get around to booking anything, my fault probably, I didn't tell him where I wanted to go! Yes I did, Stratford upon Avon and Alton Towers.  The weather hasn't been too bad, so Rob has been out on the mini, Kayleigh went to Basingstoke with Tom, Mattie ordered a new amp for his guitar, so this has turned into time like any other, only without Kayleigh to go out and about with.  Guess this is what I have to look forward to in the school holidays in future.  This time next year Mattie will have a job, hopefully, and holidays will be just me on my own, hoping for someone to take pity on me and spend some time with me.  Because of this hideous journey I can't see me ever getting a job anywhere else, so I am now destined for school holidays forever.  Too expensive to go away and everyone else at work leaving me sat home on my own.  I dread to think that it might be here in this house, fingers crossed for some more interest in the house so I can at least move to somewhere I can be happier.
On a plus note, Rob has booked us a night away in London next week to see the Aussies, unfortunately I think it will probably be the last time I see them.  Bring on that weekend even if it does bring my scan and my consultants appointment closer.  I don't want the consultants appointment.  Most times when we have been it has not had a positive outcome, and I can't bear any more of my dreams dashed.  I want to prove them wrong, oh well ever hopeful.

Fabulous weekend, lots of laughs and tears

The weekend started on Friday with a trip out with my lovely chemo buddy.  We went to Barrington Court for the afternoon, a lovely walk around the gardens, a few photos taken, followed by a visit to the Antony Gormley exhibition and then coffee and cake.  We try to be really positive, not always easy knowing what we have to face, and knowing that neither of us have great prognosis.  A lovely afternoon none the less.
Saturday was amazing, we picked mum up and headed down to Portsmouth.  One of my Uncles has managed 50 years married to his lovely wife, my Aunt.  My cousin organised a surprise party for them, with the added excitement of my fabulous Aussie cousins coming over.  That made for an amazing evening, though immensely emotional, come the end of the evening, I had lots of tears, I have always been soppy at events like this, but now I don't know if I will ever see these people again, we are hoping to catch up with the Aussies again before they head back, if we don't then I doubt very much that I will ever see them again. Trevor and Terry are both in their 60s, Terry is not in the best of health, and Trevor has had heart surgery, and then there is me.  Nigel enjoyed taking the mick out of my hair, he is 10 years older than me, and my hair is greyer than his, but then mine wasn't as grey before I lost it all to the chemo, this is how it has come back.
Rob cooked a great breakfast at Carrol and Wayne's on Sunday morning, a few more tears and then a trip off to Gunwharf for a couple of hours before picking up mum.
Was really sorry to leave Portsmouth, as I always am, would love to live down there.  Couldn't wait to get back to wee Mattie, though.  Just got to try to arrange a trip to London to see the Aussies before they head back down under, fingers crossed.

August!

I hate August, I can't help it, it is the month when I lost my darling Daddy, 8 years ago, and it is the month when all of this started.  This year isn't going to be any better, although it is great that my beautiful daughter is going to start her career, it means that when Rob goes back to work on the 20th, and I have my scan, I then have a whole week of taking him to work every day so that I can have the car to go out and try and take my mind off all the awful things that will go through my head until I see the consultant on the 28th, without my gorgeous daughter, so friends out there be aware I am likely to be ringing and texting to say are you busy, do you want a coffee, shall we go somewhere.  Obviously I am hoping to spend some of that week with my handsome son too.  The time between scan and consultants appointment is rubbish, you can't help feeling negative, no matter how much you try.  You always think of all the worst case scenarios, and hope that you are wrong, it doesn't help that I am going to have to ring the Beacon because I still can't find my appointment card, hope that isn't an omen.
If Karma exists I would like to know what my family and I have done that is so awful, and why it is that rapists and murderers don't have to live with it.  I know I shouldn't think like that but I can't help it.  I hope I can create a more positive post next time. xx