A difficult time

I have cried myself to sleep the last two night, well I say sleep!  All of a sudden I am finding everything difficult.  The fact that this treatment might never end, the fact that I feel uncomfortable, I get tired  just going to the car.  What is the point of arranging something good to look forward to if I won't enjoy it because I am too tired, and how can I afford it when I am bankrupting myself with all the trips to the hospital and the parking.  While other people moan about their finances but still manage to go off on holiday.  Our last proper week away was pre diagnosis, I know that we have had a few short breaks but even they are a struggle.  I could really use a break somewhere warm with a book to recharge my batteries.  
I am also really struggling with just being at home, my lovely girlies come down from school in their lunch break a couple of days a week, but when I am on my own, I am starting to struggle with being positive.  I used to be so good at it, but I am starting to spend too much time on my own I think.  I am no good at asking people to visit because I find it difficult to cope if they are too busy.  I need them to text or ring me and see if I am free.  I have a couple of friends who are very good at it thank goodness, but could do with a few more.  
I have been positive for so long, so I don't understand why this isn't getting any better.  I am hoping to go out with my gorgeous daughter at the weekend, I hope I am up to it, would hate to disappoint her, or me.  We will have to see.

a need to clear my head

I was so proud of my hubby before christmas when he did the santa run, he told me off for sponsoring him more than he thought I could afford, and in retrospect it turns out he was right.  He hasn't been able to collect all the sponsorship and although it is only a fiver here and a fiver there I couldn't see the charity miss out and so I have paid it, there goes my relaxation fund, and during treatment that fund is essential.  My advice to anyone is that if you are asked to sponsor someone only say yes if you actually have the money in your purse.  Time slips and it gets forgotten, and most people are like me and won't let the charity miss out,  I ended up spending more than double my donation.  I don't mind but that money was to help me.  That sounds selfish I know.  If your priority is your family (and it should be) then please don't pledge a sponsorship unless you are handing over the cash at the time.

My other bug bear at the moment is people who kindly offer to visit anytime, but then when I do feel the need to ask, they are busy, I understand you are all busy so it would be better if you you just phoned and turned up, or just turned up, especially when I was unable to drive.  I will sit back and wait for the proper invite when you really are free, because, it does hurt if you have to turn me down, I only ask when I really need it, but I can't face asking any more, know I love you, know I miss you, know that unless I am at hospital or uni on a Tuesday, or at hospital on a Wednesday I can usually make myself free to see you.

I am not winning this battle yet, most times after a scan I am told that cancer is gaining ground, I need to turn that around, I have too much to do, I have my degree to finish, I have grandchildren to meet, see off to nursery, and school, marry and present children of their own.  That is all pie in the sky at the moment, short term plan has to be, finish my degree, celebrate my beautiful daughter's 21st and go to graduation.  Then we can start thinking a bit further ... I hope!

Overdoing things?

I think we can safely say that I overdid things yesterday, ok all this week!  I drove the car up the town to drop off a prescription and popped to the supermarket on Monday.  On Tuesday I went to uni, thankfully I got a lift with a friend who made me leave early.  I was glad I went though, I had expected a D like my first module this year, this would put me on target for a third, the lowest grade of degree.  I was delighted to find I got a B-, now I am a third of the way to a 2-1, a good degree.  Yesterday was my dear friend's birthday, I took her out for lunch and then last night went out for dinner to one of our local Indian restaurants, I ate far too much, and after avoiding gluten for the most part this week I ate a very gluten rich diet yesterday.  Following Chemo on Wednesday and having to up the steroids I am feeling pretty rubbish today.  Even a little wheezy which is really unusual for me.  Though to be fair with all the food I ate yesterday and the fact that get to sleep until after 2am, and then only until about 4.  Anyway I have friends visiting for lunch, and then two more visitors later this afternoon.  Shopping tonight, then a visit from my beautiful daughter tomorrow and another evening out, maybe! We will have to see how the sleep and rest goes.  I have also been walking the dog, only short walks but out in the air.

Recovering well

The op went well and although I was a bit sore, and very tired I had a lovely Christmas being taken care of by everyone, it was lovely to have a couple of visits from my lovely nephew and his girlfriend from Manchester.  I have had some lovely visits and texts from my gorgeous friends and my daughter, my sister and cousin in Portsmouth.  I do wish though that people would realise that if they say I am always there for you, and I miss you that they would do something about it.  I am not yet able to drive so it can be very upsetting to feel that you are forgotten.  I am rubbish at asking people to do things for me, or to make demands on their time.  I had a fantastic visit from a friend who had a heart op just before I had my op, we took my puppy for a lovely walk in the local forest, followed by a play date with her puppy, lovely, felt very loved and very comfortable.  If someone says they want to visit I will snap their hand off but I won't ask them in case they are busy and feel that they have to say yes just because I have asked.  I know people have lots of things on in their lives too.  Any way I am looking forward to going back to uni this week, I have a lift or two on offer.  I am also looking forward to giving a few little drives a go.

post op

Well the anaesthetic wore off around new years day.  The first day that I had my hubby to myself and I felt absolutely pants, spent most of the day in bed.  Nothing huge, but had a headache, which has continued on and off the last few days, bloated  and just generally tired.  Yesterday I was feeling better and managed to go out with my son and the dog to a beauty spot a few miles away, we ventured out and managed to avoid most of the floods.  It was lovely to get some fresh air.  Today a couple of lovely friends took me out for lunch, we had some lovely laughs, and although I am now very tired it was well worth it.  I am dreading next week as everyone is back to work, so I will be home on my own from now on.  Apart from Tuesday when the hubby and I go to see the consultant, this visit will be to discuss the results of the biopsy on my lump (there will be no surprises) and to talk about the next round of chemotherapy.  We shall see what happens, I am expecting to be given a date to start eribulin.  Hopefully it will start fairly soon, granted I have to heal first, and also hoping that it is effective and I am able to cope with it.  I have pretty much coped with everything that has been thrown at me so far, but then nothing yet has been particularly effective.  Keeping fingers crossed.