will the chemo go ahead

Well I managed to make an appointment for bloods at the surgery this time.  I wish I hadn't! I went on Monday morning and then had a phone call from the gp to suggest that I probably wouldn't have chemo this week as my white blood count is so low.  So there you go that meant I didn't sleep too well.  We saw Mo when we went to clinic for pre assessment on Tuesday morning, she chatted away to us without any hint that anything was wrong.  So I told her about my phone call.  She suggested that gps don't see blood counts that low very often, and that although my bloods are low, so they will retest on Thursday, she thinks it is on its way back up and hopefully we will be able to go ahead.  I have been feeling much better this time, no ulcers and only a couple of days of excema. The gp has also signed me off for another two months.  I am hoping to review that though, on something called sheltered hours, reduced hours to get back into it gradually.  If we don't go ahead this treatment until next week it puts all my plans back.  We have Dara O'Briain to look forward to which as it stands at the moment we are going in the second week after treatment which is best.  Also it is the naming ceremony next Saturday and I would prefer to be a whole week after treatment rather than a couple of days.  So fingers crossed for tomorrow, I will wish on a star tonight, keep your fingers crossed for me.

More positive

Well after the last two very defeatist posts I am sure you will be pleased to hear that this one is more positive.  Today I am shattered, yesterday I had a fabulous day out with my lovely sister-in-law, super niece and beautiful great niece in the sunshine at Barrington Court.  Followed by a lovely evening out with my supportive hubby and two friends for curry at The Stonemasons.  Then lunchtime I was visited by two of my amazing friends from school, I am a bit nervous about going back when I finish my treatment but I know that they will be there to support me every step of the way.  It is amazing what fresh air, sunlight and friendship can do for you. 
I have just sat at eaten the end of the last chocolate orange from christmas.  That won't help the weightloss, expecially as I am going for curry to chillis later with the supportive friends from school, and H.  I have been busy today, I have cleaned the carpet, I think that counts as procrastination, I am ahead with my essay this time but still have plenty to do.  I got B- on my last assignment, which I am very pleased with as I didn't think it was that good.  I am just waiting for the next one now, but that one I really struggled with that one so I am not holding out much hope.  I am hoping for at least a D- as that is a pass, I am hoping not to get a phone call as that means a fail. 
College is finished for this term, unfortunately the first session of the next term clashes with a pre-assessment clinic, and it is a new tutor.  That is not going to be ideal.  I have great support at college too though and I know that F,S,S, E and B will all help to get me started. 
Onwards and upwards I need to try to be the forever optimist.

need to bring back positive

It isn't going to be easy, week two symptoms have started to kick in, and my teeth are turning black, I don't know if that is because of the treatment or my mouthwash.  The middle of the night grumble did at least allow me to sleep.  I know everyone has a right to grumble, but some of the things they are grumbling about, scratches on cars, coughs, colds just seem so trivial.  Back in October when things didn't seem so bad I was told to have things to look forward to, and for a while I had loads, but things have fallen into a new normal, and there are very few things on the horizon anymore.  have mentioned booking a holiday even just a break over here Weymouth or something, the house move, because being here with the neighbours I have is truly like a prison.  I can't help worrying about Rob paying a mortgage on his own if I can't work, or worse.  I am reading Jane Plant's book, and it looks like a complete change of diet to help the beast to sleep.  I am not giving up because I love my family too much, Kakes is looking at wedding venues, I don't want them to rush in to it because of this situation.  I do want to be there of course, but this fight has to go on.  I have to work past the fear that the consultants might be right about time.  Rob and I aren't good at asking for help, Rob though has always been good at helping other people, he often drops everything at home to help others, I just hope that they give him pay back because he needs it.
BRING BACK THE POSITIVE!!!!

people really don't understand

I can't sleep, it is 1.45am.  The time when all the rubbish thoughts go round my head.  I don't usually talk about a death sentence, I usually call it a life sentence.  When you have been told that your life expectancy will probably be five years if you are lucky, and your kids haven't finished growing up yet, the dark hours can be just that very dark.  That at the end of this treatment there is no more treatment just monitorring and we hope for remission.  Hope the cancer sleeps for a while.
I have become frustrated lately with people who grumble about trivial things, coughs and colds, problems in their lives.  I would like to live with their problems instead of mine for 24 hours.  The thought that I might not see my children marry and have children the haunted look behind Rob's eyes, the love that I see there it eats me up inside.
More than anything I want to see my children's weddings be part of their children's lives.  To those people who don't like the things I say, I apologise, but try being trapped in four walls with only your own thoughts of mortality for company and see how long you keep your sanity.  I have been here fighting with my mortality, often alone since before Christmas, I have see birthdays and anniversaries come and go, they feel like a count down, how many more will I see.  My veins are painful, pretty much all the time, I wasn't prepared for that, I thought it would hurt at treatment and then feel ok the rest of the time.  People use the words strong and brave when they talk to me, I feel neither of those things I feel like a lost child, I feel like my life has been stolen away, I worry how Rob will cope when I am gone, the children have their partners, Rob has me, what will he have when I am gone, I see that haunting him when I look at him.  I am sat here in tears, wondering how different things might have been if I hadn't trusted the gp who said my lump was hormonal, if I hadn't taken a year to go back.  I hope that I can sleep when I go back to bed maybe after some sleep my positivity and fight will return, I don't want five years, I want to see my beautiful daughter marry and meet my grandchildren, and five years is too soon for that to happen.  She will only be the same age as I was when I had her, that won't give me time to get to know them or for them to have memories of me.  I am so scared.  What if the chemo doesn't put the cancer into remission, what then, five years will shrink and I so want it to grow.

results, and a bit more positive

Well the results were back on Tuesday and after arriving an hour and ten minutes early to have bloods done, I was still sat there at 11.45, my appointment with the consultant was due at 11.40.  I went back to the counter twice and was on hot bricks, I was sure that they were going to say that the ct was not good news and so I didn't need bloods because they weren't going ahead with this treatment.  Anyway I was eventually called in for bloods and then off to the consultant, it was my favourite consultant Dr Barlow, she has a lovely way with her and never patronises me.  She apologised for keeping me waiting, she didn't give me that patronising look that I get from one of the other consulants gives me. 
Well Dr Barlow said, it is mostly good news, she said that the lump in my breast has shrunk, my ovaries have shrunk, and apart from one of the lesions in my liver which the radiographer thinks has grown everything is going in the right direction.  Dr Barlow and the other consultant that I find a little patronising both think the lesion is the same size and therefore stable, so treatment can go ahead.  As I am writing this we are the day after treatment, my veins are really beginning to struggle, the first attempt didn't work and was really painful, luckily the second attempt although painful was more comfortable once it was running. 
Woke up this morning feeling really rubbish, very sick and headachy, well I say woke up, that would imply that I had slept.  After having a couple of ginger biscuits and my tablets, I made it downstairs for proper breakfast of toast and marmite and tea.  Then a shower and I felt much better, Dear friend A came up for lunch with prezzies, thank you hunny.
All in all it has not been a bad week, I even got to have horse treatment, at the horses for special children centre, and I have been invited back, might try to do some volunteer work up there, that would be good for them and for me.
Signing off now, I have to make a decision about if I am fit enough to go out for dinner tonight as I have an invite from my dear friends T,P and H.  Where would I be without these fabulous friends. Best not to consider that. x <3

Fed up!

Am I the only one who is fed up with the adverts for death benefits and funeral arrangements. 

I had another ct scan last week and I bled like a stuck pig.  The results are in tomorrow and I have to say I am more than a bit worried, every time I go they seem to mess everything up, and Rob's birthday is Saturday.