Hard Times

Am finding things a bit difficult at the moment, and I need to say it somewhere, though not out loud.  People think I am daft, but they aren't living in my head.  I have always been heartbroken by the fact that I never knew any of my grandparents.  I envied the other kids at school being picked up by theirs.  Now the more I think about it when I can't sleep at night, the more I think that I am also going to be the other end of that too, as if any of the suggested prognosis are true, I won't meet my grandchildren either.  The nurse said average 2-5 years, it will be two years this Summer, and five years isn't long enough either.  I know why and I understand why, but I just want to be there see them, not be a box of memories and photos, especially as following my move, I have decided that there aren't enough photos of me and my own children.  On top of that two of my friends have recently been diagnosed and had mastectomies, hopefully they will now be cancer free and go on to live long healthy lives, one of them has already had the privilege of watching her grandchildren reach school age and beyond, everyone seems to be talking babies and grandchildren. They are  both older than me, and older than I will be in three years time when I reach the final suggested mile stone. 

I have also with very heavy heart decided to stop at the foundation degree and not to do the top up year, this has left me without the motivation to complete the 6000 word assignment due in mid May.  I am just 400 words in and struggling over that too.  I just want the chance to be cancer free and old.  I keep trying to visualise it but I just can't see it at the moment.