traumatic week

Well all told the last 7 days have been pretty traumatic, I feel as though I have let all and sundry down, Mattie is miserable because his friend who turned 17 after him is driving to Seaton accompanied, and has taken and passed his theory test,and Mattie's poor Millie is still sat on the drive unroadworthy, this is because we have been unable to secure a space indoors for her so that Mattie and Rob could work on her.  Therefore I feel Mattie has been let down, this leads me to my next let down, which wouldn't be happening if poor Millie was roadworthy. Kakes has a teatime concert tomorrow and she was desperate for me to go, sadly that can't happen as I have no transport.  I can't ask Mandy as she has Jordi to take care of.  If Millie was fit I feel that this week I would actually be comfortable to drive over and both of the kids would be happy and I wouldn't feel that with everything they have been through in the last few months that I am still letting them down.  I already feel that because I accepted the first doctor's view that everything was fine and then left it another year before seeking a second opinion.  Will I get to see Mattie's car on the road and my dreams fulfilled? I hope so and I am working on it but well we will have to see ...
Then I asked my mum if we could text some days instead of ring and I was told that I am her baby and she needs to speak to me so that is what will happen.  A few days later I ended up shouting and yelling at her down the phone because she wasn't listening to me and the fact that there isn't something new to say everyday.  I told her I felt I was trying to do everything to please everyone else, and nothing for me.  I was told it was all about me as people come and see me and they don't go and see her and 'that's not fair'.  I ended up spending the whole day in tears, I text my auntie and she spoke to mum, I knew she wouldn't judge either of us.  Eventually when I got in touch the next day we agreed to text one day and ring the next.  And mum told me she wished I had told her I didn't want her to ring every day, I know I did but I have of course apologised that I must have only had that conversation in my head!  If anger and sadness feeds cancer then last week I fed it lots, I now need to feed the healthy posistive side of me, and starve that awful disease that is eating away inside me.  It has to stop, well we will find out at the beginning of March if the chemo is doing some good.  Fingers tightly crossed!
I hope that this last week before chemo number 3 is better than week two has been. 

College today was good I had a tutorial with M who has been through primary breast cancer, and said I looked well and positive but how were things really, I told her that things are pretty good, and that the most important part of my fight is positivity.  I believe that this week!