people really don't understand

I can't sleep, it is 1.45am.  The time when all the rubbish thoughts go round my head.  I don't usually talk about a death sentence, I usually call it a life sentence.  When you have been told that your life expectancy will probably be five years if you are lucky, and your kids haven't finished growing up yet, the dark hours can be just that very dark.  That at the end of this treatment there is no more treatment just monitorring and we hope for remission.  Hope the cancer sleeps for a while.
I have become frustrated lately with people who grumble about trivial things, coughs and colds, problems in their lives.  I would like to live with their problems instead of mine for 24 hours.  The thought that I might not see my children marry and have children the haunted look behind Rob's eyes, the love that I see there it eats me up inside.
More than anything I want to see my children's weddings be part of their children's lives.  To those people who don't like the things I say, I apologise, but try being trapped in four walls with only your own thoughts of mortality for company and see how long you keep your sanity.  I have been here fighting with my mortality, often alone since before Christmas, I have see birthdays and anniversaries come and go, they feel like a count down, how many more will I see.  My veins are painful, pretty much all the time, I wasn't prepared for that, I thought it would hurt at treatment and then feel ok the rest of the time.  People use the words strong and brave when they talk to me, I feel neither of those things I feel like a lost child, I feel like my life has been stolen away, I worry how Rob will cope when I am gone, the children have their partners, Rob has me, what will he have when I am gone, I see that haunting him when I look at him.  I am sat here in tears, wondering how different things might have been if I hadn't trusted the gp who said my lump was hormonal, if I hadn't taken a year to go back.  I hope that I can sleep when I go back to bed maybe after some sleep my positivity and fight will return, I don't want five years, I want to see my beautiful daughter marry and meet my grandchildren, and five years is too soon for that to happen.  She will only be the same age as I was when I had her, that won't give me time to get to know them or for them to have memories of me.  I am so scared.  What if the chemo doesn't put the cancer into remission, what then, five years will shrink and I so want it to grow.